I asked God to make my bag lighter on Luke 10, because it is really heavy. God told me, 'No'. My bag is heavy because it represents how people carry their own weight. God wants to give me a heart for those people who don't give their things to God and doesn't know that it is possible.
On Luke 10, Johannes would help me put my bag on my back and for that moment it would be easier. Talita also pushed me up a hill for 5 meters. The thing is people can try to help you, but it doesn't last. It cannot last, because it doesn't take away how much the bag weighs. At the end it is still there and you are still carrying it ALONE.
Okay yes, I could ask Johannes to carry some of the things in his bag, but wow, that is so unfair towards him. Now I am pulling him into my mess and heaviness. Johannes now has to carry his bag and some of mine. I cannot expect that of hin. After a while he will give it back to me and there I am - stuck with all my heaviness again, carrying it ALONE, because at the end there are only two options: carry it alone or give it to someone.
What I have learned the most is that it is so unnecessary! It's hot and heavy and backbreaking. I've been looking and trying to figure out where I can make it better. There was only one idea that seemed best: Give it away to my mom when she comes to visit.
I don't want to throw it away because it is valuable things. It is things that helped form me and tou can even say it makes me who I am. To me, it is not garbage, but it is precious. My mom will come and take it and care for it as much as I do. She will not make it out to be simple stuff.
At the end there are only two options: carry it alone or give it to mom.
I understand that your past and pains and sins are precious to you. It made you who you are. When you let it all go, what is left? Who are you then? What and who are you when all this stuff you've been carrying around and holding onto is gone? Then you're empty handed? What defines you then? At least, I know that is what I thought.
Then I realised God wants to take it and He will take care of it he won't just toss it away as if it's nothing. He will take it away and carry it for you, until you forget ab does not think of it as something that defines you, but rather something that formed you to become more like Jesus. Eventually it will only be a story, a painless weightless memory.
I remember when I realised this in Jeffery's Bay. I just knew that I don't have to have this weight on my own back. So I went down to the beach that night and started asking God to reveal to ne the weights I've been holding onto and one by one He showed me and He just freely took it all. I left that beach as a whole new person, not defined by what I carried, but by Jesus who made me truly free.