A year ago, I had the privilege to embark on a 10 month journey with once strangers- now family, with the vision and purpose to share the Love of Jesus whilst adventuring through hills and valley's, oceans and forests, skylines and aeroplane flights. He has blessed us with beautiful people along the way who loved us as if we've known each other forever and people that made saying goodbye so incredibly difficult. My heart has been broken for nations, people, families, abondoned children. I've been faced with my own selfishness and my biggest insecurities. I've been healed and set free by the grace of God through His pursuing love, grace and support in friendship, surrender and trust, miracles and waiting. He began new journeys within me of healing and freedom. Now each day is a continuation of what He has already done, what He started doing and resting in who He is.
This past month back home in South-Africa has been challenging at times for me. I had so much time reflecting, debriefing, asking difficult questions, grieving the end of a wonderful season, being frustrated with the same old fears and doubts. I just kind of want to look and FEEL like this joyful person that have grown so much coming from this amazing year I mean there is trillions of things I so deeply am thankful for but why then do I feel nothingness. Exhausted of reminding myself to be thankful and joyful. Waiting for the victory to come so I can blog about it. Waiting till I feel like it. Trying to grasp what has happened in this past year.
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. " Oh but God look at, the hungry children in Africa, the people broken and lost. Look how I've been blessed this year. Jesus I really am not in deep waters. Am I? Does my emotions even count?
Holy Spirit reminded me that it is not about my growth or how I want people to see what potential I've been cultivating. It is not about how many people I told the gospel to or even how I did it, it's not about the difference I made, it is not about the victories or the mountains I overcame in His name. Don't understand me wrong- I definitely continue to and will also so keep testifying of God's goodness in my life, what He has done in me and the lives He touched throughout this year but hear my words.. It was not about ME. It is still not about me.
We go through seasons and sometimes I'm so caught up in the am I growing spiritually? Am I becoming holier? Do I now have victory over this? When actually all along I need only fix my eyes on Jesus. Looking at the cross- He is enough. He is worthy to be worshipped and praise. Because He is good and not because of what good things we receive from Him but because His very essence of His being sings He is good in all things. And when my emotions overtake me, my struggles is to big for me to see in perspective and I forget to choose Him, He is still good, worthy to be praised. He is what it is truely about. He is to be witnessed of, to be glorified to be testified of. Not what great things I have done or have accomplished but what Jesus has done.
He showed me the beauty and value of two things in this season of 'in-between's', waiting, consolation, closure.. Which is gratitude and choice.
I don't always feel like it but He reminds me to choose joy. To choose to see and remember what He has done. To choose to see how He has loved me today through my sister bringing me coffee in bed, through an encouraging message from a friend, through a captivating sunset. He reminds me to choose to say thank you for the water flowing immediately out of the tap when I open it, and to say thank you for time with friends and family. He reminds me to choose to believe He truely is good. To choose to trust Him with my future. By His strength I choose to rest my doubts, fears, failures, victories and celebrations in His hands. Today I choose to celebrate life and the ways He has shown me love, compassion and mercy.
Thank you Jesus that I can say I trust You. I trust You. I trust You.. over again knowing with these words that You are deeply trustworthy. Thank you that through the haziness of it all I can say "Jesus" and know You are right here with me. Thank you for Your grace. Oh Your grace, how I really really don't deserve this. I don't deserve any good thing. We are just so broken and weak. But thank you for the cross that crowns us worthy of Your love and grace.
A whole new season awaits. It feels as scary as it did a year ago stepping into the unknown. Now a new unknown lays ahead. Who knows how beautifully God will reveal how He is interwoven through it all.
I am not traveling countries and doing Global Challenge everyday anymore but I am simply continuing in this daily journey with Jesus. Witnessing His love through smiles and coffee dates, worship and art, living and being, eating and sleeping. This day by day choice of trust and surrender, choice of life and joy, choice of loving and receiving love, choice of listen and obey. Laying down my prideful habits of self defense and coping mechanisms and thinking I am my own god.
I have been humbled once again- it is not about me. But Him. Who do I glorify even when the breakthrough 'feelings of joy' haven't come. In whom do I really trust when I want to try and control things. Who do I hold onto as my constant when I am inconsistent. Who do I say is good when I only see in a haze.