The last couple of days spent with good, old friends, speaking about all the great things Dad has done this year in my own life and heart revealed so much more than I could have anticipated.
While listening to Jani speak about how we were called to LOVE, God played "connect the dots"...
I was reminded of our Luke 10 in Ecuador, getting a lift from a man. While praying for him, I remember experiencing such a great and overwhelming love for this complete stranger that when he had to leave I just wanted to hug him and felt like I wanted to cry, because I love him. Then Dad reminded me of another memory, earlier this year while Willem was teaching us about Muslims and that we are called to love everyone. I remember speaking to him afterwards saying: "Willem, that sounds all great and I wish to be able to do that, but it feels so fake when I go up to a complete stranger saying 'I love you'. I don't even know them - how can I truly, genuinely love them?!" Willem, just smiled and told me that it is a revelation... Haha - but yesterday, God revealed these two complete opposite memories to me.. He was showing me my heart. Before and after. He was showing me change. LOVE. He was showing me His faithfulness. A miracle that He did in and with my concrete heart. Here I loved a man I did not know, simply because GOD LOVES HIM!
Again, I was reminded of a heart of stone, like that explained in Ezekiel 36. A stone that was unable to respond in compassion when others shared their testimonies, hearts or fears. A heart that refused to share anything deeply important even if it meant others would benefit from it, for that heart of stone had to be in control all the time and it was surrounded by walls of defences, judgement and pride. Unable to be vulnerable. Unable to respond. Dead. Hard. That heart of stone was mine.
Then I was reminded of another moment like the 1st - whilst sitting around a dinner table in Patensie, this weekend, with friends that became my family. Listening to Maxine share about a woman being given the super natural ability to forgive a man that mocked and beat her while watching her, belittling her as she was naked in a concentration camp shower. My eyes filled with tears as my heart warmed with compassion and a deeper understanding and gratefulness of His amazing grace and love - not only towards the woman, but to this man! In that moment, a heart that use to be dead, lived. Beating with compassion and love.
Then I was reminded of the word God gave me while debriefing. I was asking my Dad what His heart for me is in this time. I heard Him say that He wants to soak, drown, my heart in His LOVE so much that it disintegrates into mush..
And as I was sharing with friends about all the miracles done in my own heart this year, my eyes could not be kept from releasing what my soul has been holding onto for so long. I stand in awe of how faithful our God is to His word. That which He says - He WILL DO. Always.
He sprinkled clean water on me and I am clean. My filth has been washed away and I no longer worship idols. He has given me a new heart and He has put a new Spirit in me. He took out my stony, stubborn heart and gave me a tender, responsive heart. He put His Spirit in me so that I am able to follow His decrees and am able to obey His regulations. - Current-phrasing from Ezekiel 36.
He turned my concrete heart into mush.
And I love it!