"You can only love Me with the amount you love yourself." When I heard that I felt like I should have gotten up and ran as fast as I could. Run until my legs couldn't carry me anymore. I couldn't though. It was as if something had glued me to the cold cement floor.
"You can only love Me with the amount you love yourself."
Lord. I don't even acknowledge myself as a person? How do I love myself???
"You are allowed to love Me, love me with unconditional LOVE, and feel good about it."
What is unconditional love? It didn't take me long to have God reveal it to me. I finally knew that what I felt inside was wrong. All the doubt, does God speak to me? Am I of any use to God?
I knew that I was just an empty shell that looked like a human being.. Only filled with blood and guts up to my ankles, totally empty from my ankles up.
No emotions. No feelings. Just sucking up attention from people around me. Sucking up attention from God.
Laughing or crying here and there. Only actions. Never a hint of emotion. Unending emptiness. Not even sadness. Not even an ounce of hate anymore. Nothing.
I had no roots. Not a single one. It was like floating on a sea full of thoughts. Bobbing in them and having the waves knock me from side to side.
I knew God was GOOD. Good times and bad. But this was all just things I 'knew'. Did they mean anything?
"Tell me the truth, is this year long enough to try and figure out if I hear God's voice? Or is there not enough time to do everything and try to figure that out?"
I didn't really know what to expect for an answer after crying for 20minutes hating myself for tears that made me look like I sought attention, Sympathy. Pathetic.
"I'm going to tell you the truth, NO. It's not." WOW THANK YOU FOR THAT ONE!
"It's not long enough. You already hear God's voice. Just believe in the truths you know already." SNAP it hit me like a bomb.
Something incredible happened. A few of the girls were praying, just thanking God and glorifying Him for who he is and I just felt my heart starting to beat for the first time since I could remember.
I felt the blood turning red and warm in my arms and hands as I opened my mouth and started to worship God in prayer. I felt bold. I felt power. I felt GOD!
I knew then and there. God had restored. I knew I was alive. I knew that I was a person.