Firstly. I've fallen in "love" a million times. So badly I would believe that I won't be able to ever live again if the relationship didn't work out.
Turns out I could. Point is. I'm a sucker for love. Or so I thought! Man.. What is love anyway? I've "given up on it" so many times you'd think I'd at least know what "it" is.
Well I didn't. I actually still don't. But God is teaching me what it is. Bit by bit.
See I thought love was some warm fuzzy feeling when you hold someone's hand.. Or stare into their eyes for 2hours and just completely loose yourself in them. Well. I guess love was that for me before I came to know my Maker..
Like I said. I still don't completely know what love is. But now I at least know what it isn't. It isn't a fuzzy feeling when your flesh brushes against someone else.
In fact. The thought of what I thought love was disgusts me now.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Wow. Doesn't that just knock your breath out of your pipes. Well that's what it did for me. God's love.
2 Corinthians 11:2
I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.
A God. Jealous for me? Lord.. What!? I'm not even worthy to be loved. I'm not even worthy to be noticed by you! What is happening??
I found myself just aching inside this morning. God didn't talk to me for a day.. And then He overwhelmed me with His presence in a "simple" prayer session.. (I've discovered no prayer is simple)
I ached. I felt the physical pain in my chest with the thought of "losing" God. Then I realized.
Five times God promises that He will never leave me or forsake me.
•Joshua 1:5
•Deuteronomy 31:6
•Deuteronomy 31:8
•1 Kings 8:57
•Hebrews 13:5
Hebrews 13:5
“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”"
So I had no reason to fear for Him leaving me. But I couldn't help but feel guilty. Have I ever loved?
If this feeling is love then I certainly have not. Will I ever be able to love a husband other than Christ? Children? I don't know.
I asked God this because it felt wrong to then want to have a family. We laughed together at His answer.
" I am your FIRST Love"
Yeah.. I'm okay with loving God so much it hurts, if it means being taught by LOVe what real LOVE is! Having Him as my first LOvE and then being able to LOVE the family that He has set out for me with a fraction of perfect LOVE!
“But whoever loves God is known by God.”
1 Corinthians 8:3 NIV