Great expectations missed

For 4 years I dreamt about doing an Explore Africa journey – fighting with the Lord every time He said “no”. Finally for 2012 He said “Yes”. During 2011, probably one of the hardest years of my life – a year intensely faced with my own iniquities and the iniquities of others – I heard Him say “Yes” to a number of things.  Some of those things did not quite turn out the way I heard Him, others started with great excitement. I said yes to lead this year’s Explore Africa journey, yes to dream about the future of Explore Africa. A friend and I started an NGO in September 2011, endeavoring to support three local African projects that take care of most vulnerable children. I said yes to be a board member of one of those projects, called IFAM. The year 2012 started with a very fast pace and a lot of excitement. I expected great things to happen.

Now, it is once again September. The time to take account of what has happened, make to do lists of everything that still has to happen before Christmas arrives and that awful question of “have a achieved what I set out to do?” Whoever taught us to ask that question of ourselves, anyway?

This Explore Africa journey did not quite turn out the way I envisioned it to. I did not expect us to fight ourselves until the month of September. I did not expect to always have at least one team member being ill. I did not expect my reactions to be so self-righteous. I did not expect it to be this hard.

I got involved in IFAM, expecting to contain my superman mentality and really support the local initiative. I turned out to be much like those demanding western donors, who think they can call the shots because they give the money – or should I make they a “we”?

I started Ubuntu Cross Border Foundation, expecting a miraculous financial breakthrough with minimum input from my side. I expected God to pitch up and do as I ask. That God would make me the hero. Instead, of the 63 students IFAM promised an education, only 7 are still in school.

Tonight I was walking through the streets of Entebbe, Uganda, in search of a place to watch the sunset over Lake Victoria - desperately making plans for the future, seeking God’s advice on my plans.

“Stop,” He says. Like so many times before He throws a curve ball, a seemingly irrelevant question. “What is it all about, Corneli?”

Before I can answer the obvious, “It’s all about You, Lord,” I pause to consider. “Is it really? Is it really all about Him?”

“It’s about fulfilling the demands that others are making, Lord.”  It’s about completing this year with as much character growth in the team with as little conflict as possible. To show as much measurable success as possible – not looking like the failure I sometimes feel.

It’s about sourcing R160 000, so that 63 most vulnerable students in Tanzania can go to school.

It’s about seeking to provide a living for myself – to be independent, because no 27 year old with any self-respect is still dependant on her parents for lodging and transport.

With my head hanging I reply, “Lord? It’s all about my reputation, I’m afraid.”

“Now, this is not the correct answer, I know.”
I know all about correct answers, but this is the only true answer I have tonight – regrettably. And now that I am honest with You and myself, “It is precisely because of my pursuit of a good reputation that I am this tired.”

My mind falls silent. I feel like an Olympic sprinter ready to run, but without a country to represent. I know my calling, I see the end, but the motive is suddenly all gone. “Clearly Lord, You have not asked the question because You seek an answer, but because I need to acknowledge that answer.”

“It’s not that you are doing the wrong things, my child, but that you have forgotten the reason for those things.”  “Do not loose me,” the Lord repeated, “Do not loose me.”

“Without Me you will not stand. I am in you. Trust in Me. Look to Me.”

“Loose yourself and find Me. “

“You were created for Me.
You were created by Me.
You were created in Me.”

“Only in Me, you make sense”

Therefore, I conclude, the answer is “It’s about Your Glory, Lord.” 

If only I knew how to prove this truth to my own heart.