I glance around to locate the source
of the relentless voices overwhelming my thoughts.
Incoherent noise that fill my ears,
seem to be a natural expression of my fears,
that no longer are contained by dreaming at night
as the monsters of slumber now cloud my sight.
Overwhelmed by my senses I seek isolation
for just a few moments of quick contemplation
but there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
if the problem is not external but comes from inside.
With words at a loss I have nothing to say
but continue in silence surviving through the day.
Presenting an image of stability and contentment
while secretly being full of resentment
towards the people who should know and be able to see
that the state that I am in is anything but free.
So back into myself I choose to retreat
continuing to enforce this isolation streak.
My outward appearance declares that I’m frowning
while truly I find myself internally drowning…
I open my mouth to express what I feel
thinking this method will help me deal
with emotions and thoughts that are out of control,
breaking my heart and scratching my soul.
But as my lips part to let out a scream
the words are suppressed of how I really feel.
With senses now numb and hopelessness looming
I found my thoughts completely consuming.
When the light starts to fade
and the darkness sets in
I realise that this battle
Alone, I cannot win
So declaring the truth and recalling the light
Seems to now be my daily fight
No need to deny it, no need to be brave
My weakness is His strength
My Jesus saves…
Depression: The severe feeling of despondence or dejection…
During my many years of studying in the medical profession I have gained a lot of knowledge on depression from a clinical perspective: in theory and first hand (having had some episodes in my BC days). But I have never before imagined the spiritual implications. How does this condition affect us as believers, who live in the spirit and have been set free from such things?
My journey over the past few months has repeatedly confirmed that life is not just cells, bacteria and antibodies but that we are also affected by the spiritual atmospheres around us. This does not always make sense to my very logical and medically tuned brain but God is slowly revealing and teaching me more about the unseen world Paul described in Col 1:16. So with a few lessons on spiritual strongholds in Kosovo and practicing to identify spirits in Australia, I got to Indonesia very much aware and curious about what I might learn next.
Within our first days in Indonesia, someone told me about a stronghold of depression on the islands and my heart sank instantaneously. Of all the things it could have been…why depression…? But I decided to note the fact and be vigilant about its possible effects on me. What I did not take into account is that to me this is a familiar spirit and because I knew him so well in my past, I didn’t realise his subtle presence creeping up on me. After a week of not really wanting to engage with people, not eating and wanting to sleep all the time (without actually being able to sleep), I realised what was happening. So I implemented some new strategies. My prayers became more specific and directional, my worship increased, I relied on God’s strength instead of denying my weakness and I found an accountability partner to prevent me from skipping meals. And just like that, everything changed. I now chose to want to get up in the morning.
I find it amusing how powerful a little knowledge and the right attitude can be. During that week I made many mistakes, missed opportunities to serve and found life almost unbearable at times, mostly because I was consumed with myself (emphasis on ‘self’) despite regularly going to God and spilling my heart before him. But as soon as God reminded me that I am set free from my past and that these feelings and thoughts are not from Him, the change in attitude was an easy choice. The heaviness is still there and the voices in my head are still ringing but it is no longer consuming. In fact at this point it has become a blessing, forcing me to daily surrender myself to God and keeping me on my knees.
So following my friend Paul’s example, I will gladly ‘boast about my weaknesses’ (2Cor12:9). More aware than ever that our fight is not against flesh but against the evil spirits of this world, I will stay on my knees, declare His truth and trust that God will work powerfully through me…
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