Quitting now would take me right back to where I started, and when I started I was desperate to be where I am now...
All my life I believed the lie that I don't know what feelings are and that indifference is my only reality. Never did I feel comfortable enough with people to truly trust. Looking back now I realize that I did not just shatter my own heart but I deeply hurt those who truly cared. Most of all I closed the door, window and all entry ways for Jesus. I only allowed Him in when things were going well, never did I trust Him in the hard, difficult or ugly times. In my mind I was strong enough to find my own way out of the darkness and to fight my own battles. I believed that I didn't need help from anyone, not even from God.
Never have I been more wrong!!
He came, met and taught me.
'Everything' used to be a very daunting thought to me. How can I trust someone with everything, how do I surrender all and be completely vulnerable? How do I hand over the gun and trust that the trigger will not be pulled? I had to keep faith and trust, God truly is my shield. Vulnerability is NOT a sign of weakness, there IS bravery and strength in being soft. Now I know vulnerability should be my only choice because it is way to easy to be cold and hard in a world that makes is so incredibly difficult to remain soft.
I've learned that trusting and surrendering all is a choice. It is not a once off thing, I need to keep choosing to trust everyday. I also realised that if I keep fighting out of my own strength I will burn myself out completely. Without Jesus I am just another broken human floating around. With Jesus I am complete, His power is made perfect in my weakness. He never asked me for a perfect heart, He just asked me to place my shattered pieces in His hands. I just had to take the shutters down from the windows, open the door and unlock the gate. I am not responsible for the change happening on the inside, I just need to keep being obedient to His voice.
GOD IS PRESENT!!!
He makes beauty from the ashes, He does all the hard work!! It is not always easy, especially not when He opens up old wounds and old struggles to make space for more of His grace and love to flow through. He loves us so much that He was willing to pay for us twice. He made us thus we belong to Him yet when sin stole us away from Him He didn't even hesitate to pay for us again with His Son. God bankrupted heaven just to get us. God breathed life into us so that we can breathe God back into the world. He wants us to be His hand and feet in the nations. He calls His children, and sends them out.
He taught me that worship is not just a genre of music or singing along to a song, it is a state of the heart. When we truly worship we give back the crown He placed on our heads. Our identity is found in Him so when we forget who we are, in reality we are forgetting who the Father is.
He is meeting me daily, teaching me what it means to be rooted and what true vulnerability looks like.
My process is not done, I dont think it could ever be 'done' but I am choosing obedience and to get off the treadmill of religion and to walk in relationship.
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