Empty handed

Good day dearests

Since infancy i've been fascinated by rings! You know you only remember certain childhood memories? Well one i distinctly remember is my using my positive carving tools (manipulating) with a friend of my gran's. I remember thinking if i make a massive deal about how much I love her rings, she'll think " the hell with my own grand daughter. This one appreciates it more." So if that doesn't say enough about my 'mild' obsession with rings then just know it is bad

Subconsciously I still do it. My friends will tell you! I always fit their rings on and then just wear them for like 10 minutes. That child in me still waits for someone to just give it to me. I mean, can't you see i really like it? I can't stop looking at it. I mean com on! Just hand it over!

So during training a girl who has been on a journey ( you know who you are ) had this amazing ring that she bought in Israel. When the disappointment sunk in that she, along with the hundreds of others is not going to give me this gorgeous ring that I so obviously love. I mean the nerve!
Anyway, when it sunk in I got this crazy idea to ask God if He would ask someone in Israel to be obedient and give me a golden ring with three rubies in. I mean nothing is too big for God and I am His daughter, so cool thanks!

So guess what God tells me the next morning..."please take your rings with on your journey" now you cannot hear the tone of my voice, but He was basically telling me " ok , sure! Why don't you give away your rings, then we will see what happens" God has an amazing sense of humor!
So it hit me hard, but i realized in the midst of that intense useless denial that my attachment to my beautiful thin, fragile, golden ring that my sisters gave to me for my birthday and this amazing golden ring with this big black stone in ( that people never claimed after staying at our guesthouse... We tried to contact them... Well my mom tried.) and this beautiful copper ring with a blue stone in that my friend's mother bought for me. That sentence got a bit long... My attachment to these beautiful rings was unhealthy.
I mean I recently mos learnt the meaning of life. The reason why I am alive and, these beautiful ( don't know how to emphasize this more ) rings don't really add to that. No calm down convicted reader. I'm not saying sell it all. ( God will get to you eventually hiehie joke! Calm down. No really, I'm joking ). It was just the fact that this useless earth thing is making me rethink my obedience.( #obedience is better than sacrifice).

So yes I packed in my rings. And my 'self' part of myself had all the wrong motives.
Motive 1: People see what I do and think it honorable ... Yes i admit I am an disgusting human person.
#justdiealreadystupidflesh!

Motive 2: God sees my obedience and returns my gesture by giving me the dream ring. Again, yes i know, I already annoy myself don't you worry!

And secretly i hoped my bringing the rings and being "willing" God would recognize my willingness and bless me by letting me keepem. Haha cute

So today I painfully said goodbye to two of them. Yup He is ripping the band aid off quickly! ( so that the wound can heal)
And i get how this must sound to you... What kind of God asks for this? I thought His yoke was light but now i have to give up what I love?

God just knew exactly how to teach me the power of His freedom. It was and is still such a liberating feeling! And He used these opportunities to reveal a lot of things to me!

First ring (thin golden birthday ring) : I am like totally judging peoples unworthiness of this beautiful ring! Crazy, i know! "It won't fit her, she only wears silver, she has a beautiful ring so she won't appreciate it" many more believe me! The mind comes up with a lot of junk to side step inconvenience... And there it hits me! God gave us this beautiful gift, Jesus. And we are not worthy of it, we will not want to fully receive it or 'wear it' or want it even. But He, knowing we wouldn't see the worth of it, still gave it without thinking twice.

We truly are disgusting! That verse in the first book of Revelation sticks with me " when we see Him, the ones who know Him and not, will mourn on behalf of Him!!!!!!! Whaaat! In that moment our entire reality will shift so much! We will see how bleeeeh we are and how That stunning beautiful King is wearing all of this bleeeh's filth. We will finally die ( our self- prideful selves) and we will morn on behalf of this Beauty, carrying the stuff that should not even exist near to His sight! What a drastic change in our manner of thinking that will be. I'm not even close to understanding the full extent of this and i already find it horrifying.

Sorry for that slight side track...
So I gave it to a lady and I am not going to lie, at first i was pretty sour, but since then I have received so much freedom and peace over the situation. I can almost feel how a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Second one also made its way from my fingers, 'freeing my fingers' literally and of course lets not ignore the obvious metaphorical 'freeing myself'- very deep! Almost can't even see it's so deep. I know, I know.

So yea the "empty handed" is a cool pun. Because yes the obvious- i have no rings on
But also the deeper metaphorical meaning- when I am weak He is strong. I have nothing to offer Him. He already owns everything- cute that I think I can in some way deserve anything. I come to Him empty handed. To be empty handed is to give up all worldly things that i can hold on to for comfort. I am dependent on Him, because without Him I am nothing. I can do nothing. Useless. Entirely useless.

Tomorrow I will give away the other ring. And I really am fighting against the pride of saying " gosh i am so obedient" ( don't you just hate how pride steals from beautiful experiences with Jesus?) so know I write this post with no intention of boasting, but simply sharing this painfully freeing experience. Again, a liberating education.

I don't know if He will reward me. A big part of me obviously feels like I deserve it, but that is a big lie. So we will see. Perhaps my receiving nothing in return will be a bigger reward than actually receiving the dream ring. Yea yea reading this you probably think I am so full of it, but please know I am sharing where my heart is at the moment. If it annoys you please forget about it, because God has His own way of revealing His character to us. Hahaha what I've learnt from this though. If the idea of giving your stuff bothers you, you should go ask yourself "Why?" Why am I so attached to this? Hahah it is a dangerous game, but believe me it is so worth playing! But like I said- We shouldn't connect a certain formula to Him.

Watch this space

More over Jordan. I am inlove with this culture. Truly the most hospitable people group i have ever met. Yesterday a 100 year old lady invited one after the other and massaged all the ladies' hands with Nivea she probably can't afford. They are so hospitable that we had to find tactics to avoid another serving of coffee. The whole seconds tradition that ruled in training is now being countered. If you don't use these tactics they will keep on serving you and they don't take no for an answer!

And the children are amazing! Beautiful and so well mannered in nature. The world's idea of these people, well my previous idea of this people was so flawed. They are kind hearted.

God is at work here! It is so beautiful to see first hand how we really aren't needed here and yet He still lets us experience His love. He speaks to them through beautiful dreams and then we just listen and praise Jesus. What an honor!

Cool cool see you soon