Brokenness

"You opened up my ribs and played your melody, when my brokenness was all I saw in front of me..."

  

 So, I broke my arm. In Colombia. Playing soccer. Can someone say Waka Waka?

 

Since that first night in casualties I've been comforted by God's promise that it is part of His plan, that He wants to use my casualty for a greater Kingdom reality. Having never broken any bone in my body despite some perilous adventures and other silly games on roofs, you have to be convinced of God's hand when this happens on my journey of faith, in Colombia of all places.

 

And so there I was, trusting God for healing my arm overnight (can you imagine the testimony and open doors?!) and then being disappointed. And so I had to ask myself, what is God doing?!

 

The past few weeks I've been confronted with one great truth: Until you know how lost you are you do not know that you need a Saviour. (Thank you Wayne!). Having known Jesus for a long time and being raised by Christian parents with biblical principles, the story of my salvation was less about realising the darkness inside of me but more about seeking the light that is God. As Jansie put it: the miracle is that He saved me even when I thought I was ok! And so I've been asking myself, do I realise the depth of my sinful nature, how lost I was without Christ? Can I begin to fathom my brokenness, worthlessness without God? Hard questions, that I think should be asked by everyone.

 

Since the beginning of training I've been broken and confronted by sin in many ways; mostly because I started to really read the Bible and because of the environment I found myself in. The reality is the more you get to know God and comprehend more of His Holiness, the more you are confronted by things in your life that falls short of His glory. I've been convicted about the things I've been exposing myself to, books and tv shows, my illegal music, sensitivity, pride and selfish ambition to name a few.

 

My broken-arm journey has in a sense been a real personal one, dying to self and being stripped of pride. Learning what it means to be dependant, journeying on team: love and family. The broken arm became a symbol of my brokenness. And it hasn't always been easy, facing some harsh realities.  The harsh reality that as a Kingdom child I cannot be as independent as I have become accustomed to. The reality that I cannot be good enough out of myself. The reality that I am prideful. The reality that I am a sinner. The reality that I need God.

 

Jesus asks us to be broken, to acknowledge the frailty of our humanity and the inability to please Him out of our flesh. But in the same breath He reminds us that He was broken on the cross so that we can be healed. When we come to Him in our brokenness we are comforted by the cross.

 

... But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. (Isaiah 53:5 NLT) 

 

And so, back to my arm. Did I see the miracle that I was expecting? No. Did I see the arm used for a greater Kingdom reality? Definitely. There were some jokes going around about the screws in my arm and the parallel to Jesus. Thanks to the interesting Colombian orthopaedic methods I have two scars on my wrist. Two scars on my arm to remind me that Jesus was nailed to the cross. That my old man died with Him. That I am sinful and useless. But with that the promise: that acknowledging my depravity and incapability is exactly where He wants me to be! His power is made perfect in my weakness! 

 

But he said to me,  "My grace is sufficient for you, for  my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that  the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)

 

And so, as I learn to use my weak arm again I am also learning what it means to rest in grace. To be whole (and holy) in Christ. To just be myself and let God do it.    Watch out world!

 

*Shout out to all the Colombians and gringos that helped, supported, advised, assisted, accompanied and loved me during this time. I am so grateful that words cannot even explain it.