Not what I signed up for...

Doing Global Challenge has been a dream of ours for a very long time and after more than a year of preparation and planning it was time for that dream to become a reality. 2012 was going to be the year in which we take our step in faith and say “Yes Lord, we will follow!”

During our time in China we were challenged by a fellow believer to count the cost of following Jesus, not just in the sense of accepting Him as my savior, but counting the cost of going into full time mission work. At the time it seemed like a ridiculous remark, because all of us had to in one way or another sacrifice a few things to be on the journey, it was only a few weeks later that the full weight of the remark hit me like a brick in the face.

I always had this dream of becoming a missionary. Living in faith, trusting God to provide on a daily basis and even the thought of persecution seemed to excite me. In some sense I knew it would be a difficult lifestyle, but I never thought of it in a way of giving up things I love, rather following the One I love. I never thought that being called into full time ministry would be a comfortable life, I realized that God sometimes calls us to trust Him so completely that we will be unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He does not come through for us. All of these things seemed fine on paper, but when I was faced with the question of whether or not I would carry my cross at all cost, I was not so sure my answer would be the definite “Yes!” I would want it to be. Am I really carrying my cross if there is no suffering or sacrifice?

This all came to the front when I was sick in bed, not being able to join my team in the ministry opportunities that was prepared for us. I felt completely useless and even had the audacity to challenge God on “Why ME? There are 12 other people in our team, why me? Did I not give up my comfortable life, secure job, time with loved ones and who knows what else to be here and now He allows me to become sick? Why?”

The only answer I got to my question was “Are you willing to follow me under any circumstances? Are you willing to follow me at all cost?”

I had to ask myself the question whether my own health and life is more important to me than my relationship with God? Am I willing to sacrifice everything? And that is when I realized I need God to love God!

I still do not understand why I had to become sick, even less why I have to now focus more on my own recovery than on my team, but one thing I know is that in the time I was at my weakest, God was there and He worked in my heart! In this time I realized that the most precious thing I have is my relationship with God and that it is even more important than my own life!

This is not what I signed up for! God wants me to follow Him even when the cost seems too high for me to bear and it dawned on me, what did it cost Jesus?