Fear of rejection
Fear of dissapointment
Fear of not being enough
Fear of not being captivating
Fear of losing God
Fear of falling back into the world of lies the enemy kept me in bondage for so long
All these fears, one by one, kept on creeping back into my heart this last country of our journey. All the fears God has given me victory over. All the fears I have been set free from. All the hurt I have been healed from caused by these fears, slowly tempting me to shrink back into the lies I once believed defined me.
F r u s t r a t i o n. Because how many times more will I have victory, walk in that victory and His joy.. And then, again, not long after stare into a towering mountain in front of me again. Why do I feel like I am always climbing some kind of mountain?
Why am I having so much anxiety here, now? In this very much privileged place I am standing, between the Himalayan mountains. Why am I having allergic outbreaks, getting sick, flashes of hopelessness? In this place where I have been on this amazing journey of discovery, healing and experiencing God's heart evermore deeper. Why do I feel like I am back to square 1. Can I not just be content. Not being able to finish blogs, as if I'm waiting for some kind of perfect or shocking climax worth writing down.
Hymning Elevation worship's "come and meet me here again." Holding on to the lyrics of Highlands "I will praise you on the mountain and I will praise you when the mountain is in my way. No less God within the shadows."
By God's beautiful grace in the midst of all these mountains I experienced His deep joy still. Because His joy cannot be taken away from you no matter what the circumstances.
Our whole team really desired to climb one of the nearby mountains where we stayed. The adventurer within me really wanted to climb that mountain but since it would have required alot from me physically and mentally- every fear in me kept me from going. It was a roller coaster of emotions, weighing my options, my abilities until the Holy Spirit reminded me of the words of the song He gave me the day before we arrived in India.
"Let us start the ascension, Let's begin the climb. Up this holy mountain where your glory shines. Further up, further in just to be with you again. Let us start the ascension."
That's when I realized that God has been speaking to me actually alot about mountains. Through the songs that have been stuck in my head, the songs we sing as we climb the hundreds of stairs in the little town of Mcleodganj, the reminding of the victories He has given me and how the enemy tried to steal everything from me. I realized and saw the schemes of the devil so clearly in that moment. Making me blind to the beauty of climbing the mountains - making me think freedom is far away, only on the very top. Making me feel hopeless and discontent, still stuck in the middle of the climb.
It's funny how God spoke to me through songs in this country (as quiet times was very challenging- how Faithful He is. He is definitely not limited by our mountains)
This used to be one of my favorite songs when I was younger -
"There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb. "
I realized that God wanted me to climb that Himalayan mountain. Not to prove myself or anyone else something. But to get victories over my fear FOR mountains. Because there is always going to be mountains and it is no about striving to get to the top or even to the other side. It's about the journey along the way. Climbing these adventures with Jesus. Letting go of my fears along the way with every rock I step over. No longer being intimidated by the mountains.
The Holy Spirit came and changed my whole perspective, encouraging me that He is the ultimate mountain. His yoke is easy and His burden is light so it is all about climbing this Holy mountain that is Him! And it is true, It is not always easy walking this journey with Jesus. Having a relationship with Him doesn't fix all the problems or take away all the mountains in our life. There is still challenges, there is still valley's and shadows, it is still a mountain. But Him being the mountain - the climb becomes an adventure. It is where the healing takes place, it is where you experience His strength in your weakness, it is where victory comes, it is where tears and laughters flow, it's where you discover magnificent hidden treasures within the secret pathways. It's where you experience the peace in the stillness of the trees, where your heartbeat is the loudest sound flowing through your eardrums. It's where singing birds and a gentle breeze caressing the leaves becomes the melody of life.
It is also sometimes where you fall and your knees and hands meet the slippy rocks and hard ground. There.. just sitting a while again, hurting.. , then a butterfly come acquaint you with his majestic wings reminding you that you are a new creation. A symbol of hope!
There's always things that we are not going to be content with. But once again shifting our eyes to Jesus- I will climb this holy mountain. Leaving behind every other fear.
Once again I lay down my desire to control, my drive for what I THINK is essential. And even in the valley and even in the climb and even on the peak I will sing surrender. Because He is worthy. I choose to keep singing His joy. Singing His love. Singing His beauty. Singing His freedom.
"Over the mountains and the sea, Your river runs with love for me. And I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free. I could sing of Your love forever."
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