Learning how to be a sheep

The speaker crackled as the pilot announced our descent. Nervously, I grabbed Kasia’s hand as we descended into my homeland… South Africa, hello old friend. I was ready to go home, ready to see my family and friends, ready for the next step God prepared for me. I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my team…my family.

We had spent ten months in each other’s company. For the last eight months, I had watched these people grow and mature as the Gardener Himself pruned and fertilized them. They watched me cry, laughed with me, supported me, prayed for me and loved me. They were my family for eight months… and now I had to say goodbye? God, am I ready to be on my own again after being part of a team for so long?

Debrief began. I brought along my luggage and my questions to Jeffrey’s Bay. Many of those questions were answered during those two weeks as our journey came to a close. I could feel God slowly, carefully, gently separating Distant Worlds into ten individuals. Ten individuals who had grown so much and learnt so many things about Pappa God. Ten individuals who were ready to be commissioned…commissioned into the Next Step.

Father God commissioned me to return home to Pretoria, where I would be studying Theology part-time, while also attending Spanish classes next year. The first few days home were bliss. I could speak to my family without getting that “Call dropped” message from Skype. I could share my stories and they could update me on what I had missed. It was great to be home.

No lies, I missed my team. There were times when I felt unsure of what to do next – I had grown so used to being in a Body with ten other people, with each person fulfilling their own role. We had the one who always greeted new people, the one who opened doors for our team, the intercessors, the one who carried the team, the one who reached out to others, the one who was the heart, the one who was the lungs, the one who was the brain, the one who was the eyes. Everyone had their part to play. And now I was by myself and had to learn how to cope without them.

The Lord was faithful and, bit by bit, He healed my heart and let me be okay with being without my DW family.

This brought on a new set of questions: God, what am I here for? Why did you let me return home? Why am I back in an environment where I had left a mould ten months ago… a mould that did not fit anymore. Not at all. I had changed drastically through the journey, and now I was returning to people who expected to welcome the old Chanan. God, how do I go on without returning to my old ways?

The changes I made in you were permanent, My Love. No one can straighten what I had made crooked.

I was then taken to Psalm 23. David’s guide book on how to be a sheep. A fluffy sheep, grazing in the greenest pasture you can imagine, drinking from the clearest, coolest, most refreshing streams. Following where my Shepherd leads, trusting His judgement and relying on His voice. Nothing harms me when I am in His pasture. I don’t have to worry about food or a place to sleep, because my Shepherd will care for me.

This is what God wanted me to do: He wanted me to be a sheep. He didn’t expect me to return home and evangelize the entire Gauteng. He didn’t expect street crusades or seminars or anything. He never expected me to be the one to carry the responsibility for changing my family. All He wanted was for me to rest in His pasture... Because He has it all under control.

“What has it been like to be home? How did it feel to return to a regular pace of life after a fast-paced, action-packed year? What was it like to return to a place that did not change much, when your life did a complete 180?”  Well... it has been a time of simply resting, of finding myself in His pastures, grazing on His Word and drinking Living Water. Sharing testimonies with strangers in shops or at the church when the Spirit leads me to. A time of encouraging my family, of sharing the change God has brought in my life and watching how that inspires people to draw near to God. Have I gone out and preached to congregations yet? No. Have I written books about my journey or revelations yet? No. I have simply been doing my Father’s will.

His will is for me to be soothing salve to my family – not to be an abrasive rubbing alcohol or a cover-up bandage. No. He wants me to be salve. To soothe, to calm, to quieten. To be a sheep. A fluffy, woolly sheep in Heavenly Pastures.

Thank you all for reading my blogs and supporting me through my journey. I trust each of you will get to experience the Father’s heart in a completely new way and that you will experience deeper intimacy with Him as your walk with Him continues. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and give you peace.