When you give your life to Christ and submit your past to God, you enter into an agreement with the Almighty. It is a compromise in which He will remove all parts of your being that is not aligned with His will. Your role in the agreement is to submit to Him and have faith in Him. Pretty good deal, right?
The removal of these transgressions takes you on a spiritual journey of renovation. The purpose of that journey is not only for your personal sanctification, but also for the glory of God. And how does He get the glory? When you share this journey with others.
Which brings me to the reason for this blog: the Lord has been placing on my heart to share a bit more about my personal journey.
Jamaica was certainly an interesting time for me. Not only did we get to travel over the entire country and serve at four different ministry points, but I also underwent spiritual renovation. In May Pen, I could almost feel God taking a crowbar and using it as a lever to remove the moldy cupboards in the chambers of my memory palace. In St Anns, He was clearing out the attic of my mind, sorting through the dust-encrusted boxes I had forgotten up there. Plumes of dust flew up as my Creator opened boxes I had taped shut, sorting through memories I would prefer to have forgotten about. Then, in Montego Bay, He was brandishing a sledgehammer and expertly knocking out the dividing walls of my heart. Finally, in Kingston, He cleared out all the rubble. He took paint rollers and gave my interior a fresh coat of paint, lightening the rooms of my spiritual house and making me feel brand new. My renovation is not yet complete, but God and I made great progress!
I know it sounds nice when you read about it now - I mean, who doesn't enjoy the sight of a house that has been tidied up and remodeled? Who doesn't get satisfaction from watching all the rotten beams and the cracked doors being carted away to the scrapyard? For me, that is the best part of a renovation: getting rid of all the old things that aren't up to standard.
It sounds easy when I think back about it. However, at the time, it felt as if my innards were being turned inside out, impaled on a stake for all to see. My heart was hurting all over. I spent many nights crying out to God and repented for all the things He was showing me that He wanted to remove. At times, it felt as if it was easy to knock out a cupboard in my heart or to break down a section of my walls.
Other times, it felt as if God's sledgehammer was thudding away at the rotten beams of my roof, but not getting close to removing them. Standing on the ground, looking up with dust falling into my eyes, it was difficult to see the progress He was making. From my perspective, it looked as if we would never complete my renovation. I feared the state of my heart if we left half-demolished walls or half-sorted boxes in my attic. I do not like a job halfway done, and my God doesn't like to do things halfway.
I will be sharing more about my journey in St Anns. It was one of this pivotal moments in my walk with Christ.
As He was sorting through the boxes in my attic, we had an interesting discovery. I like to assimilate my mind to an attic, with boxes full of memories. The memories I fondly and often recall are stored in the boxes close to the trapdoor and ladder for easy access. However, there are some memories I would prefer to permanently forget. These are stored in boxes that I tape shut and shove to a corner of the room, never to be touched or opened again. As you can imagine, it has a negative influence on a person when they leave all those isolated boxes up there. And my God does not like these boxes.
In St Anns, God and I went through a time of walking through my attic. He sat next to me on that dusty floor, sorting through memories spanning nineteen years. We shared laughs as we remembered good times in my past. He held me as I cried, wiping away my tears as I recalled hurtful events.
We moved from box to box, sorting through all the contents of both the open and taped up boxes.
My Heavenly Father then gently took me by the hand and led me to an unmarked box in the back of my attic. The box itself was in good condition - it had no tears or mold patches on it. It was perfectly isolated, with a single line of tape enclosing its contents and a thick blanket of dust sheltering its secrets.
A box I had never reopened. A box I did not want to open. "What's inside?" I asks God as I sat, cross-legged and bewildered in front of this foreign box. I was tentative and hesitant - I didn't want to open it at all. A fear of the unknown gave me shivers all the way to mu toenails. I felt a gentle hand rest on my shoulders as my Father said, "Open it when you're ready".
So here I am, nineteen years old, with a memory in my past that I don't want to remember. Maxine and Charlotte had joined me for an interesting Spirit-led discovery session with God, which is when we discovered that I don't want to remember an event in my past.
To be honest, this scared me. I used to pride myself in the fact that I could recall the finest detail of an event from long ago. I found security in my memory. What do you do when even your memory doesn't stand up to the strain of emotional trauma?
You turn to your God and stretch out your hands in offering, giving Him this problem and trusting Him to take care of it. And He will!
So I placed that box in the hands of my God and I am currently walking a road with Him to reach a point when I will be ready to open that box. Will it be this month? Next month? Next year? I don't know, but God knows.
Any situation or outcome that has the words "God knows" printed on it is a situation or outcome that will glorify God. I know that He is working behind the scenes, turning this mess into a message.
As Beth Moore so aptly stated: my past cannot be removed or separated from my future. No matter how hard I try, I will not be able to blot out all the mistakes I had made. I made a decision to no longer get stuck on all the mistakes I had made in the past. I now know I can rest in the knowledge that God is using my colourful history to form a powerful testimony that will bring Him glory.
I look forward to sharing the rest of my renovation with you!
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